Log: Mad Dok Swifticus McFredius Esquire IV

[Swifticus Fredius]

Doctors Journal, 5th Opal 1052

4 Days I was unconcious, apparently. I knew I shouldn't have sniffed that lignite dust. I remember waking up and seeing this dirty bastard sewing up my arm, god damn amatuer probably couldn't tell the difference between heart failure and foot fungus.

I immediately ripped those shoddy stitches out and did it myself, lightning fast might I add, a personal best for swiftness. Even faster than that time I got my arm stuck in a screw pump and had to stick it back together with my feet.

Anyway, I gotta perform emergency surgery on half these stupid pansies.

Mad Dok out.

Doctors Overseers Journal, 1st Granite 1053[/b][/i][/u]

Staghorn, that elf-loving-son-of-a-human-loving-shady-ass-mother-humper decided he was gonna run off to live in an elf forest pansy-ville, didn't even name a new overseer. Armok, damn him.

Being the only intelligent dorf among these peasants, I immediately designated myself the new leader of this fortress.

Every dorf in the meeting hall caused a ruckus exclaiming I was "mad" and would "kill us all".. all but one sturdy looking fellow. I think his name was Griggs, he didn't seem to give a crap as he was building some kind of contraption in the corner.

I promptly informed them how I could easily reverse the flow of blood of any dwarf that stood against me causing them to explode into tiny beardy bits of flesh.

They actually believed me. The dumb sons-a-bitches.

Anywho, here is a quick sketch of the fortress I made.



It's gonna take a lot of effort to make this place a real fortress.

Effort I am not gonna give, so I will focus on my swanky hospital death trap machine, ta-ta.

[Swifticus Fredius]

Overseers Journal Early Spring 1053

First things first, I started construction of a new hospital a few Z levels below the current one. The lack of dorfs mean it wont be finished for several months yet so I will have to make do with the crappy hospital the freeloading dorfs are resting in now.

The layout of this fortress is horrifying. Random stockpiles everywhere, workshops spread out all over the place. I mean, why is the refuse stockpile outside? Are we fucking humans? Do we all LOVE going OUTSIDE now?! Especially in this crap weather.



I have had to walk half a mile underground to get water for these pansies and I don't intend to ever again.
1. I am not gonna be giving anyone water, I will get a fuckin nurse to do that.
2. I begun construction of a well right outside the hospital.



Griggs is too busy refitting the bloody pansy traps to build it, so I got Robin Goodfellow to do it as he was just rolling around on the floor like a retard. I could feel Griggs wrath from across the fort. Somehow he knew that his job had been took.. partially.

Overseers Journal Mid-Spring 1053

The military is crippled and we have barely enough dorfs to fill all the working positions, so I trimmed down the military to 1 dorf. Turns out his schedule was messed up so he wasn't training and he didn't have a barracks to train in either.

I took this opportunity to begin construction of the barracks/danger room. A brilliant idea I have tested in one fortress before this. It involves a lot of spears which are currently being made.



Only 4 casualties in the last fortress by it. Trains up dorfs combat swiftly and gives plenty of patients for me to practice on >.



Some prick also decided it was party time and stop all my dorfs from working, so I promptly told him where I would shove his gems if he didn't get the fuck back to work.

After the jeweler ran off out the dining hall I noticed this fellow just sitting in the corner.

A war jaguar? Well looks like I found myself a pet. Perhaps I can teach it to dress wounds or some shit.

Overseers Journal Late-Spring 1053



At last, I have practically cured every one of the lazy bastards in the hospital. Just one recruit crying from a broken toe.

As soon as the siege engineer was up and bandaged up I told him to go make me some soap.

"But I am a siege engineer my WHOLE LIFE, I built ballista and thwarted the goblin king of 104-"
"Shut the FUCK up and make me some soap, look at all the blood you left you dirty son of a bitch"

He stormed out, I don't doubt his skill as a siege engineer but I want soap. And no one.. NO ONE ARGUES WITH THE SOAP GOD.



A blizzard man showed up to cause mayhem. Two normal tame dogs beat the fuck out of him and then I sent in the Milita commander to go kill him. Easy.



The elven caravan decided to show up, bringing a lot of cloth, rope and wine. I have never really despised the elves. They bring a lot of potential medical supplies. I still wish to surgically removed their pointy fucking ears and attach them to their arses though.



My pet did well in making our guest feel uncomfortable.

"Don' Worry, Leonard wont hurt ya.. unless ya touch my soap. THEN HE'LL FUCKIN RIP YER ARMS OFF."

"Err.rr. quite. Listen, lets talk about trade proposals, dwarf."

"Hehe, I'm only joking my friend.. but seriously, touch the soap and I'll cut those ears off and shove them so far up your arse, that they'll return to their original place."



Goblin Ambush. The elves scurried inside the fort like the pansies they are. Meanwhile, the militia commander decided he was Armok himself, and ran out to fight them. He died instantly.

The goblins then ran straight into the traps and got caught. Then a goblin pedophile jumped round the corner and got caught in a cage trap too.

They were never this dumb at the old fort.

Summer is almost here, we better get some immigrants or I'm gonna go bat shit insane.

[Swifticus Fredius]

Overseer's Journal, Early Summer 1053



So, I assume Griggs is this master engineer type bastard and my danger room will be crafted quickly and I will be happy, but no.
He is sleeping and when he isn't sleeping he is pretending to be busy, the lazy son of a gun. So I am having to do this myself, painfully slowly.

Also, I included in the sketch above, a new room below one of the food stockpiles. This will be the archery range. I love my job and all, but it can get boring fast if I gotta heal every prick who decides to gets his arm gashed up by some goblin.

Crossbowdorfs hopefully wont get hit. Much.


I decided to finally sit down and talk with the elf merchant.



Forests?...



Odd, I thought he would be more pissed off. Elves are schemers though, luckily I don't plan on being overseer next year. Good luck to that guy.

Overseer's Journal, Late Summer 1053



The human caravan decided to show up, just in time to see the large steel sawblade traps I got Griggs to install in the entrance.

Also decided to wall in the refuse stockpile which has taken 2 seasons to get half done, due to the mass amount of dead masons.



I'm installing another of the spear traps in the danger room and I almost accidently impale myself when I turn around and see this giant motherfucker looming over me. He claims to be a human merchant but this dirty son of a bitch looks like a furnace operator.

Looks like he doesn't know what soap is, so I guess he isn't a threat.



At last, test subjects![/u]



I guess the human caravan might get confused and start killing eachother... I hope.





The sawblades sliced a goblin to pieces, success!
Also, one of the humans from the caravan decided to go teach them a lesson with his whip.



The ambushers decided to run away like little green pansies after seeing their comrade ripped to pieces. But not before beating the shit out of the human lasher, from the caravan.

He promptly decided to crawl back to his caravan, fall unconcious on a loaded sawblade trap and get gored to shreds. His friends from the caravan decided to run inside the fort, missing the whole show.



A wild pedo appears! And gets eaten by a tame dog.

Looks like this goblin ambush was easily def-



ANOTHER god damn ambush, right outside the fortress entrance. Most of the weapon traps haven't auto-reset yet or are still jammed from the organs of their fellow goblins.



The butcher outside is as good as dead, as the goblins and human take out their vengeance upon him.



The first goblin to enter landed on a weapon trap and sprung it. But he managed to dodge the sawblade.
Luckily he dodged straight onto the only other loaded trap and was seperated in two, his upper body flying towards the trade depot and his lower back out the entrance.

His pansy friends immediately run away.

Another victory for Abysschills as autumn draws close.

[Swifticus Fredius]

Overseer's Journal, Early-Autumn 1053



I ordered the well to be expanded so there can be a second one in the new hospital. All was going well (hah) until Robin, the retarded miner, decided it would be a great idea to sleep in the well passage.

I was about to get the other miner to breach the wall and let the water through. Luckily I noticed. No one likes soggy corpses.



I decided it would be a good idea to go hiking up the frosty mountain side. On the way back, Leonard was lagging behind as usual, he is probably lame or something. Then I heard a sharp shrieking howl behind me.

A fucking yeti ripped leonards head off as I watched.

That jaguar was a slow useless bastard anyway. Probably the only reason I had for not caring.

I promptly trotted inside the fortress and searched for our one soldier to go and fight the blizzard man. He was locked in his room sleeping. Moments I was from breaking the door down when the smelter reminded me "NO SIR THATS A MASTERPIECE DOOR ADOURNED WITH RINGS OF G-" - "FFFFUUUU-".

Oh well, the sparkling sawblade traps have reset, that blizzard bastard aint got nothin'.



The yeti decided to chase a kitten up a mountain instead. He immediately got tired from being unable to catch up to the kitten and fucked off home with a chewed up arm.

Overseer's Journal, Mid-Autumn 1053



Bloody racoons show up and steal some gems. Must have got past the traps while they were reset.

Sent out the soldier to go bash their skulls in but soon realised he is far too slow to catch them so ordered him back in before he left the fort. He still decided to chase one of them out of the map.



I guess they don't see the appeal of a fortress where there is a massive stockpile of rotting carcases just outside the entrance. Damn.



Yet another yeti decides to show up just outside the fortress, scaring off the remaining racoon and killing some guys pet dog.



I send out the soldier to fight this beast, as the saw blade traps are still jammed up with 200 pieces of clothing.



Things didn't go too good. The commander is crippled and unconcious up against the wall whilst the blizzard man decides to vent his anger on the soldier's pet dog.

Our woodcutter volunteered to go out and fight the blizzard man. But she refused to put down her child first.



Not our finest moment.

I peeked out the entrance to see the blizzard man climbing back up the mountain. Then suddenly I see Griggs running down the main entrance towards me shouting "FUCK YEEEAAAAH"



"Good for fucking-you Griggs. Now go make some more traps before I shove this mutilated hand UP YOUR ASS."

Armok save me.

Overseer's Journal, Late Autumn 1053



The new level of painfully-small living quarters is starting to take shape.

The large room to the right, I don't remember why I ordered it carved out but it is directly below the grand hall. I'm sure I will find some kind of use for it.



I ordered some gigantic axe blades cast for some more traps but they didn't seem to be getting done. The furnace operator then decided to tell me that our smith went climbing up the mountain to go find some snow or some stupid shit.

He promptly got ripped to pieces by the resident blizzard man.

Overseer's Journal, End of Autumn 1053

Late autumn was rather uneventful, mainly cos these dorfs decided to work so god damn slow.

Doesn't help that we have barely anyone to work. I really hope we get some immigrants in winter. I don't know what kind of dwarf would trek all the way to the middle of nowhere, in freezing conditions, just to live in this fortress. But I sure bloody hope those crazy son-sa-bitches get here.

[Swifticus Fredius]

Overseer's Journal, Early Winter 1053



The dwarven caravan shows up. The only crazy dwarves to trek through these endless freezing snowstorms.



Plenty of stuff I would love to get but looks like we got nothing to offer. Actually, we got a shit ton of crafts but everyone is too busy to haul stuff to the depot so I decided not to bother trading this season.



Blizzard man jumps out from beneath the snow and chases a brewer around. Instead of running back to the fortress, to safety, he runs around in circles until the blizzard man caught up and ripped him limb from limb.



I am building some walls outside with pretty much every other dorf as I want this done quick but then I turn around and yet another god damn blizzard man has materialized. As I am not an idiot, I run back to the fort and usher everyone back inside.



The caravan decided to hurry up and leave, probably because of all the miasma in the depot. Luckily, they had the blizzard man to vent their rage on and drive him off.



The blizzard man's friend jumped out from behind a rock and killed the outpost liaison as he left. The last guard left wasn't very happy with the blizzard man.



So he promptly broke every bone in its body. We didn't get anymore blizzard men for a while after that.



Started construction of fortifications and a walkway above the above-ground farms, as it is right by the entrance. This way we can possibly train up some crossbowdorfs and get them firing down upon some of those dastardly goblins.

Overseer's Journal, Mid-Winter 1053



My new luxury room has been carved out and furnished. Although people were against it, I easily spouted out some crappy reasons such as needing a room near the new hospital, needing to be happy cos if I go insane 1. I will probably kill everyone. 2. Wont have a doctor anymore.



I will enjoy stealing this cloak. Hopefully the prick will have a tantrum and I can beat the crap out of him. Bastard stole mah soaps.



What the-? Turns out this muppet went down into the cavern and got his throat torn out for some reason. Dunno why he -



One of our miners, Robin Goodfellow, decided to go down in the cavern to lick the walls or some shit and got killed. Fuck.
Then our farmer decided to venture out and get himself killed too.



Then our stonecrafter decided to go down and clean up the blood from the other corpses down there. Decided to get him to fight the bastards, try and take one with him. Nope he died without harming one.

Overseer's Journal, Late-Winter 1053



A troll decided to run up a few levels and then sit, one level below the graveyard. He sat there for a while scaring people off and finally decided to run up a level and straight into the weapon traps, getting himself chopped to pieces.



Our wood cutter storms into my office, smashes her axe down on my desk and tells me how she is pissed off with everyone going down the the underground farms and getting killed. She then took off to go kill them herself, axe in one hand and her baby in the other.

Somehow, she slaughtered them all by herself.



The overlooking fortifications are finally done for future crossbowdorfs. Sadly I built the wall from the wrong side and got myself trapped. I guess being around these peasants so long, their stupid is rubbing off on me.



At long last, the danger room is finally and completely finished and I get to test it on our latest soldier. Success! She is doing well parrying the spears and dodging about. Good thing she got all that steel armor or I would have a lot of work treating her wounds.

She got tired quite quickly but when she got back in there, I could easily tell she had vastly improved. Just gotta keep someone repeatedly pulling that lever whilst she trains. Hopefully someone can work up a method to keep the spears moving without dorf labor.

Doctor's Journal, 1st Granite 1053

A whole year has past with me as leader of this fortress. I am sick and tired of this shit so I will give up my position and retire to the hospital to focus on treating the many wounded dwarves I for see.

Hopefully the next overseer doesn't fuck up.

Mad Dok Swifticus, out.